two days ago
Dear Biru,
I’ve seen blue in everywhere. Small thunder, indie music, and read Letters to July from one of my cutie friends. It’s been a pleasure feeling doing this amid the haste day by day. I learned something, that someone can be gifted by the miracle of writing. They can vision the words well. That’s from Letters to July 🙂
I remembered when my mom told me lots of stories from my childhood or from long time … way before I born. The best part is her face. The expression, enthusiasm, and spirit. I love her smiles. So beautiful.
I hope months later, my burden-that-you-knew can be done. Wow, so random topic we had right now. I’m now listening to “Dialog Hujan”. And also hope that one day I can sit nearby the window, sip my coffee, listening indie music, write a story on how I faced those shits of life. I believe next year I can do that. But maybe, waiting until mid year, when seasons change twice.
Biru, do you know what I’m thinking right now? So many things indeed. One of them is … well, I don’t want to say I envy so many things, but let say this as salutation. They who have lots of very nice vocab in any language even Bahasa Indonesia!
Hey, counting days to year-end. Someone asked me out to the beach. That would be lovely year-end for me. But again. My biggest wish is written on previous paragraphs.
Today on Dec 18 – nothing to write
And voila! 2nd January of 2019
No beach, no fireworks, no club. Well, I spent my new year’s eve peacefully at home, with my mom, saw her beautiful smiles and chuckles. Heard my niece yell out my name with the cutest voice ever. Stay to do whatever we wanted to do, but still have random talk with my sisters.
I am no longer same person (probably because I am me in 2019, older and more rebel). But I will now start to admit my stupidity confession, embrace what I have done in the past one to three years. And seize a new start beginning of my life that may be would start on April or May. That will be my own new year. And I need to reward those who support me until now. Without any doubt and less of talk, they have been support me all this time.
As for now, let me be more organize, less of envious, wiser, and happier than ever. I am listening “Segelas Berdua” now.
Third day of January in two thousand and nineteen
Still listening “Segelas Berdua” by Fourtwnty now. And dusk beside me. Just looking through glasses. I remember a note I wrote on new year. Here it is:
Early of second day in 2019.
Most people wrote their resolution. And i realize, that my dreams are not only mine. I somehow so hard to move on from one of my best friend. She’s the most pretty among me and my closest friends. At that moment, in my teenage, I always have a feeling that she’ll be successful in life.
And yep. She has the world now in my eyes. And what I’ve been dreaming of back then, now being hers too.
I suddenly feel that I live under her shadow somehow. I’m so good at pretending I’m fine or I’m doing fine. But, now this is my first time to write what I feel, what I admit. Deep inside my bottom heart, I envy her a lot. It’s a lie if I tell you that it’s a little.
I should leave my negativity behind, move forward, focus on what I wanna reach.
I should be happy for her. I should support her. But for now, I think I will drop all of my social media. It’s getting worse on me. Plus, I should list my goal. From simple things.Be more organize, submit intern report, doing my thesis, finishing my debt, and saving money. Well, do better and smart at work.
Also I want to buy: cupboard, shoes shelf, bookshelves, sewing machine, linen.I feel the last two a bit sentimental. I don’t know if that’s because my impulsively, my envious, or pure of my dream.
Off I go now. To sleep.
O Allah, please …. please … help me from my envious feeling. I hope that’s not too much to ask for. Amen.
I’m feeling that this year, I will be frank to myself. I don’t want to live in such shadow of others. It may not be that easy. And just be myself (well, I already did that by the way – may be I just want to explore more on how I’m being frank and true to myself).
Biru, is the name that long time ago has been bit forgotten. I haven’t properly talk to her (duh! even I’m not so sure her existence in me, haha).
So, I will call it a day then.
Let this post be done here. And have a great year ahead!
anandamanan 